And now the stunning conclusion of Lulu's quest for someone other than Wakka! Gameshow style! (... and very delayed)

I want to point out that this is on Lulu's wikipedia page:

In 2008, GamesRadar named Lulu and Wakka as the worst Final Fantasy couple, commenting that while their pairing appealed to the concept of "opposites attract", the pairing of a goth and a jock is the source of the "She married him??!! And they've got a kid??" reaction.[26] In 2011, Complex commented: "We’re still kinda blown that Wakka of all people got Lulu pregnant. Now what kind of magic did he have to use to do that?"

And while I was writing this, I pulled Lulu's relic in FFRK. She evidently approves of finding someone other than Wakka, regardless of who it is!

Still, I do hope no one was expecting SRS fic or anything written very well. Also written mostly in script style - something I normally wouldn't like so much - because of reasons.

Finally, a huge thank you to Toffee for the amazing pictures used in this! I still can't get over them.



Dona: Welcome to Spira's Sparkling Singles. Live from Luca Theatre! I'm your host, Dona, and no, I'm not the same Dona who failed as a summoner, stop asking me that.

*aside to the audience* ... You can tell the station is looking for cheap shows to save money.

Let's meet today's bachelorette, a guardian to the... *groans* Do I really have to say this? The "great" Lady Yuna, Lulu.

Lulu: I'm already starting to regret this. What are the chances anyone could find romance from only a select group?

Dona: My dear, how do you think I met Barthello?

Lulu: That... explains a lot, and makes me trust this even less.

Dona: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Let's meet today's bachelors! Each bachelor will be given one pre-selected question to answer. This is ALL you get this round, so don't be a bore.

*PRE-RECORDED BOOMING VOICE* ROUND 1:

Dona: Now bachelor number 14, what machina would best describe your personality?

Shelinda: Machina? But those are forbidden! I can not in good conscious compare myself to one!

Dona: *Sighs* Don't take this so seriously. Just answer the question.

Shelinda: I cannot. I'd rather lose than go against the teachings. You were a summoner, you shou--

Dona: Enough! Ugh, whatever, let's move on. Bachelor number 7, if you could become famous for anything, what would it be?

Rin: *laughs* I have crafted a business empire, the next new hit game, and known for all the beautiful ladies by my side.

Dona: You do realize you're on a dating show, right?

Rin: But of course, and what lovely lady wouldn't want to join my harem?

Dona: *groans. What a keeper. Bachelor number 4, what is your favorite way to pass the time?

Balgerda: Why, having fun. Why don't we just skip all this foreplay and get straight to the good stuff?

Dona: Is anyone here not a numskull? Bachelor number 2, what is your greatest achievement?

Gatta: This is the question I get?! I... I'm still trying to get my life back on track and I... Forget this.

*Gatta gets up and leaves the building*

Dona: I'm going to demand to get paid triple for this. Bachelor number 6, if you were a blitzball, what kind would you be?

Elma: Who thinks up these questions? Wouldn't it be better to give this question to a guy?

Dona: I swear I've had it up to here with all you riffraff. Just answer the questions, and don't blame me for them.

Elma: Okay, okay, the... winning kind?

Dona: Thrilling. We're all drowning in your wit. Bachelor number 1, if you got married to our lucky bachelorette, what kind of unusual wedding could you dream up?

O'aka: That's an interesting one. I right dunno, but I could take her on the wedding of her dreams, I would, or my name's not O'aka.

Dona: You're not supposed to announce your name! That defeats the purpose! And, once again, no one is answering the questionS.

O'aka: Bad habit. Unusual wedding? How about a tour of how ol' O'aka gets his merchandise. We'll explore the seas and various... unsavory places, that we would.

Dona: I'm getting a headache. Bachelor number 12, do you have any birthmarks? If so, where?

Zuke: That's not personal at all.

Dona: Oh, are you embarrassed? I see you blushing.

Zuke: That's impossible, my outfit hides my cheeks. Both... on my face, and where I have a birthmark.

Dona: Oho, finally things are getting interesting. Bachelor number 8, what are your favorite women's or men's scents?

Clasko: Scents? All I ever smell is chocobo... I can't even think of what anything else smells like... wait, I shouldn't have said that, should I? Can I redo this?

Dona: No. Think before you speak next time, if there ever is one. Bachelor number 11, your house is on fire, what do you grab as you run out?

Shoopuf Driver: But ze shouse ish underwater, yesh? All I need ish ze shoopuff.

Dona: Of course it is. I want it known that I'm not the one who came up with these questions or assigned them so inappropriately. Bachelor number 9, if you were asked to give our dear bachlorette a nickname, what would it be?

Isaaru: I believe Aghape is a good nickname. You see, it is the ancient word for--

Dona: Blah, blah, I didn't ask for an explanation. ... Agape? A grape? Slagheap? Just rolls off the tongue. Bachelor number 3, if people were thrown in jail for bad habits, what would you be thrown in jail for?

Bickson: Bad habits? I have none, I'm the number 1 star of the Luca Goers! If you have to put me in jail for anything, it's being too awesome. Or pelting losers with blitzballs. The beautiful bachelorette could even join in the pelting!

Dona: What is it with you people and making your identities obvious? It's as if our voice over machina the bachelorette is hearing this through is for nothing. Bachelor number 13, if you could redo your life and do something different, what would it be?

Wantz: Maybe start my own shop and stand out from my brother earlier in life. And in a town with eternal sunset, and maybe compete with some terrorists for who can sell the most.

Dona: That was... oddly specific Good luck with that. Bachelor number 10, pretend that you're your mother and answer this question. Is your son normal?

Maroda: This question isn't normal.

Dona: I swear to Yevon, answer the question or I'm throwing you out.

Maroda: Geez, how am I supposed to answer it when I don't even remember my mother?

Dona: Someone with a sense of humor could answer it. Bachelor number 5, if you were an Al Bhed, with your very own giant containment machina weapon and you could abduct anyone on Spira. Who would you abduct and why?

Lucil: *pauses for a moment* I know! Sin! If I abduct Sin, I can contain it forever and no one else will get hurt. It may be against the teachings, but if we can't defeat it, containment would be the next best option.

Dona: Thank Yocun we're finally at the end. Dear, you're allowed to pick one bachelor to continue on to the next round, and the audience will pick 5.

Lulu: I don't even get to pick everyone who continues when it's my future on the line?

Dona: We have to do something to keep the audience's interest. Now choose before we start losing sponsors.

Lulu: If I must, then number 5.

Dona: There you have it, being plain and boring attracts plain and boring. Tune in tomorrow for our stunning continuation of Spira's Sparkling Singles!

_____________

One Day Later

*the same voice as last time* ROUND 2

Dona: The results are in and we are down to 6... wonderful bachelors. First, we will announce the losers. You are allowed to say a line in closing before we kick you out.

Bachelor number 4, step forth.

Balgerda: Is this a joke? *turns to camera* Call me if you want to have some fun!

Dona: Number 6, your turn.

Elma: Aw, but they didn't even get to know me!

Dona: Blame the blitzballs. Numbe... oh, forget this. Everyone except numbers 1, 2, 3, 5, 9, 11, and 14, get out. Now.

Dona: For round two you get to spend some quality time with each of our remaining contestants.

Lulu: You should have done that from the start.

Dona: With this many contestants? My dear, that would be a waste of both my and your time.

*Lulu is lead through an entrance to a small room with a single person inside*

Shelinda: Oh, Lady Lulu!

Lulu: We've met several times before, have we not?

Shelinda: Yes m'lady. Your group has been a huge inspiration to me! I can think of no greater honor than to be even considered for this.

Lulu: Relax. I can't get to know you if you're gushing.

Shelinda: Ri-right. What do you want to know? I don't think I'm worthy to be your girlfriend, but I'll try.

Lulu: Why are you even here if you feel that way?

Shelinda: I couldn't pass up such a grand opportunity! Even though I feel inadequate, I can say that I'm very loyal and devoted and will try my best.

Lulu: Alright, so what do you enjoy doing in your free time?

Shelinda: Praying to Yevon, singing the Hymn of the Fayth, meditating at the temples, admiring the statues of High Summoners....

Lulu: Anything not related to Yevon?

Shelinda: Oh, I like... um, I can name all of the priests who have been at the Temple of Bevelle in the past 50 years? And I collect all sphere footage of Flans I can find!

Lulu: You collect... what?

Shelinda: So far all the spheres have been taken by me as no one else seems interested, but they're so cute when they try to cross long distances with their gelatinous bodies! That's most of the footage I have, them trying to walk.

Dona: That will be all, your time is up.

Lulu: That's all the time I'm allowed? But this could be a life changing decision! And I don't want to leave it on that... bizarre ending.

Dona: That's your loss, dear. Should've used your time more wisely. Onto our next contestant...

*Lulu is lead through another door with a small table and two seats*

Lulu: ....

*glares in direction of the door/Dona*

Shoopuff Driver: Hsello.

Lulu: Are humans and hypello even compatible?

Shoopuff Driver: Imposhibibble to knowsh. Nullibody hash tried.

Lulu: I don't want to be the one to find out.

Shoopuff Driver: Tshat's too bad, yesh. Weish could breaks rashial barrishers of loove!

Lulu: *shakes head in disbelief*

......

As I have no choice but to play along. For the sake of humoring the audience, where would we go on a first date?

Shoopuff Driver: Weish ride ze shoopuff

Lulu *sighs* I should've kno--

Shoopuff Driver: and then weish goo for a romaibbic dinner uonder the shitarsh, with the ligihtish of the Moonflow illumnulliinatingsh usish as we goo danllcing laterish

Lulu: You can dance?

Shoopuff Driver: Yesh, but noot wells. Tripsh over my oown flippersh.

Lulu: I see... I suppose I am not as well informed on the hypello as I should be.

Shoopuff: Ish okay. Humansh never caresh aboout hypello. I can shoow all shorts of newish thingsaingsh!

Dona: Time's up! That was truly profound. I know who I'm rooting for.

Lulu: You must be kidding.

Dona: Come now, don't be like that. Ready for the next round?

Lulu: Never

*She goes through door III anyway*

Lulu: Captain Lucil of the Chocobo Knights, is it?

Lucil: Yes, I hope I don't smell too badly of chocobo. I hear that's what got Clasko disqualified.

Lulu: No problem. All I can smell is something sticking in this studio.

Lucil: It does smell a little off. Say, can I ask a question?

Lulu: I thought that was my role, but go ahead.

Lucil: Is it hard to move in that? That's a lot of belts. No disrespect, of course.

Lulu: No. Not with the right magic spells, and a... certain determination.

Lucil: It's magic? I've never heard of any magic like that. Aren't you from Besaid? Does the bottom half of that ever get too warm?

Lulu: Bottom half? You're not wearing pants, do you ever get too cold?

Lucil: I'm afraid I got carried away. We should change the topic, what did you want to ask?

Dona: *rings a buzzer* That's it.

Lulu: .... we didn't even get the chance to know each other.

Dona: I'm not the one who made you two only talk about clothes. Don't shoot the host.

Lulu: Are all of the contestants people I know?

Dona: My dear, you have been all across Spira. Besides, that makes the show more interesting and should make you complain less about the time limit. Let's see what you have in store next.

*An exasperated Lulu continues to door IV*

Lulu: Oh, it's you.

Isaaru: Please forgive me. I didn't want to bring any harm to you, or to Braska's daughter. I realize that will hardly justify it, but you know the consequences of disobeying the Temple orders.

Lulu: That's not necessary, there's no saying I wouldn't have done the same. We... were all blindsided by the corruption of Yevon.

Isaaru: That relieves me to hear. I wish I can someday make up for it.

Lulu: Now this is awkward.

Isaaru: Sorry, I honestly only came here to apologize in person.

Lulu: You have no interest this show?

Isaaru: Not really, no offense to you of course, anyone would be lucky to have you, but I was overcome with guilt.

Lulu: Interesting, I take it you've given up on your pilgrimage?

Isaaru: No, another reason why I wouldn't sign up for this normally. It would be selfish of me to leave someone behind.

Lulu: I take it we're done here then.

*voice from the other room* Dona: No leaving before we say so or else you'll be penalized!

Lulu: Penalized how?

Dona: An extra round. In a hot sphere pool filled with chocolate and--

Lulu: Enough. *glares back at the table*

Isaaru: My apologies, it seems it's not over yet and I've caused you ever more trouble.

Dona: And now time is up.

Lulu: Are you serious? That wasn't even an extra minute and yet you threatened penalty?

Dona: Rules are rules, my dear. Only two more to go.

*A now very exasperated Lulu goes through door V*

Bickson: Yo, welcome baby, to the number 1 dating table in town.

Lulu: Fortunately for you, I'm used to being around obnoxious blitzball players.

Bickson: Baby, you've seen nothing yet. The Aurochs? Such losers. You need a real winner, like me.

Lulu: And why should I even give you the time of day?

Bickson: Are you kidding? I can take you all the way to the top if you score with me! You should see my collection of balls, they're the biggest in--

Lulu: That's enough. The more you speak, the lower on my list you fall.

Bickson: Oh-ho, harsh, or is it playing hard to get? As no one could ever resist the star player of the Luca Goers. I made the Luca Goers what they are today, and I happen to be a master of romance!

Lulu: I'm not even going to ask what you mean by that.

Bickson: I can prove it! Roses are red, blitzballs are blue, beating losers is sweet, and I can make you feel sweet too!

Lulu: *glances at door, to where Dona was last seen* Is the time up yet this time?

Dona: Almost. Stop trying to speed this up, you should want more time with your future lover, not less.

Lulu: There's no chance he'll be my future lover. The Shoopuff Driver has a better shot.

Bickson: Now you're really playing hard to get. Ask any of my groupies, I can shoot more than just one goal!

Lulu: You just keep on digging yourself a deeper hole.

Dona: There, now time is up, you happy? And is it me or does he sound a lot like a cockier version of the last guy? If there's a cocky jock running around that has stolen my voice, they're dead.

Lulu: *sighing* Only one left.

Dona: Yes, now hurry up through to the last room.

*A now extremely exasperated Lulu goes through door VI*

O'aka: Welcome to O'aka's! O'aka's dating table, that is.

Lulu: Right, is there anything you can offer other than items?

O'aka: O'aka always has somethin' else to offer! I'm a family man, that I am, and I am devoted to anything I put my mind, or anything else, to. That, and I'm thinkin' of retiring, would be nice to settle down and let Wantz take over.

Lulu: You have helped us a lot. Do you have any plans after retiring?

O'aka: I could open a item shop in a small town, just takin' it easy for a bit. Or open a giant fishtank for everyone. Did ya know there are fish that live in them waters? They're not only used for blitz'ing stars!

Lulu: A giant... fishtank?

O'aka: I'm thinkin' of callin' it an Aquarium. Or a Blitz Tank: Less Balls Edition, but leanin' towards Aquarium.

Lulu: But... fish, why?

O'aka: There's all kinds of fish, there is! All kinds of colors and shapes and... I could charge money to get in, and educate people on them!

Lulu: Spirans do love water, but will people really pay to see water if there are no blitzers?

O'aka: Maybe I should train the fish to play blitzball...

Dona: And we're finally at the end! I can't wait to go home and take a hot shower to wash the filth of this show off me. After spending quality time with all the semi-finalists, you can pick two of the final three to advance to the finals!

Lulu: That was hardly any time at all, and they all had major problems! And even now, I can't pick all final three?!

Dona: We've been over this, dear, we have to draw up viewer interest.

Lulu: *Sighs* I'm guessing I can't refuse?

Dona: Of course not, we'll drag you back here and pick all three of them ourselves! I'm sure you don't want that.

Lulu: Fine... O'aka and Isaaru.

Dona: There, was that really so hard? Join us tomorrow, our finalists will be sure to have a special treat for you!

_____________

Dona: Welcome to the final edition of Spira's Sparkling Singles. Now we have the most important section of the show, as you need some romantic attraction, right?

Lulu: What do you mean by that? And not everyone needs roma--

Dona: Wait and see, then you can protest meaninglessly. Up first, O'aka the XXIII!

O'aka: Welcome to O'aka's! Why don't you sample my merchandise?



Lulu: What IS this?! How did you manage to get them to--

Dona: Trade secret. Next...

Isaaru: I want your lips against mine



Lulu: I'm embarrassed for them. Completely embarrassed for them.

Dona: And we've saved the best for last!

Lulu: I no longer want to even know who the audience picked.

Shoopuff Driver: Ride ze shoopuff driver?



Lulu: ... does he even have a name?

Dona: Who knows? I can never make out what those hypello are saying. Now that you've seen the most sensual our finalists can be, who do you pick to go on our incredibly romantic all expense paid cruise with?

Lulu: I'm tempted to firaga this whole place right now.

Dona: If you don't pick one, we're choosing one and sticking you both on that romantic cruise starting right now. And I'll give you one guess who we're picking...

Lulu: *sighs* ... Isaaru, but only because he doesn't want to be here either.

_____________

SOME TIME LATER

Lulu: I was reluctant at first, but that show changed my life, I'm so happy I did it!

Isaaru: Me too, Aghape! I'd fail as a summoner 100 times if it means I wouldn't let you pass me by!

Lulu: I want to hear you say you want my everything against yours, and~~~~~

Tidus jumped as a firaga went straight towards what he was writing.

"Hey, what's the big idea?!" he said, shifting his gaze to a glaring Lulu.

"I have put up with this long enough. I tolerated you making it, and even adding in the Shoopuff driver, but I won't let you portray me as some spoony fool! And that last part completely contradicted everything else you wrote, since you had neither of us even wanting to be there!" Lulu's stare was so intense Tidus felt as if he had been hit by that firaga.

"You were the one who said you needed help narrowing down your list!" The one in hideously asymmetrical clothes retorted.

"None of those people were even on my list." Lulu shook her head, dropping her gaze back down to the ground.

"Yeah, your list sucked! Do you really want to be stuck with one of the Aurochs all your life? They are even made fun of by other blitz teams!"

"Hey, watch what your sayin', ya?" The man with a cowlick and bright yellow fish waders jumped in, "And what's the big deal puttin' Bickson in the semi-finals?"

"Well sor-ry," Tidus said sarcastically, "You should see the look on your face."

Wakka grumbled something in response while clenching his fist. Yuna was trying to hide her laughter in the back. Auron was looking down at the ground, stoic as always.

"I liked it better when we were only reminiscing about our journey and not comin' up with hair-brained futures," Wakka finally remarked.

"What's the matter Wakka, you jealous?" Tidus shot back

"Not even one bit! Let's just get back to grindin' for those level 3 orbs, ya?"

Most of Tidus' script had been turned into ash, but lost in the chaos was that half of the last page remained untouched by the fire.

_____________


*one year later*

After Yuna defeated her namesake, Zanarkand had been quiet. The dead no longer roamed its broken streets and its remote location made visitors scarce.

Until a brightly colored airship, starkly contrasting with the landscape around it, once again landed in the ruins.

A stern-faced bald man confidently stomped off the airship, followed by a wobbly person who was, for some inexplicable reason, wearing summoner robes despite how summoner's had been obsolete for a year now.

"Confound it, get yourself together," Cid watched as Isaaru ran off to the side "How are you supposed to guide anyone if you can't even walk straight?!"

"Sorry, but I..." Isaaru was interrupted by his own limitations, losing his lunch, "... can't get used to these moving machina, as awe-inspiring as they are."

"I'm givin' you a proper job, you should use it to get yourself some proper clothes and man up. That should make it go away." Cid snapped back, his voice becoming gradually more distance as he returned to the ship.

Isaaru steadied himself and turned around, just in time to see Cid carrying a barrel off the airship. A barrel full of monkeys.

"Pardon me, but is it a good idea to transport animals to new areas without knowing how they'll react?" Isaaru had seen these monkeys before. They typically didn't bother people, but were still wild animals.

"What in tarnation are you talkin' 'bout now?! Monkeys are cute, people love monkeys! Nothin' could ever go wrong with that!"

The former summoner stopped himself from showing how little he believed that, and went to look around the city that was, just a year ago, his final destination.

While Cid was still struggling with the monkeys, Isaaru found a half-burnt piece of paper, standing out against the barren rubble.

The contents of which, someone writing about him and one of Yuna's guardians, were so shocking he was no longer sure if his head was spinning from the motion sickness or from being purely flabbergasted.

The more he considered it, the more appealing the idea became. The only time he had been to Besaid, he never got the chance to really see it before Pacce was kidnapped. Maybe he should pay it a proper visit, he thought before his face became closer and closer to the ground. He was vaguely aware that some of the monkeys had ran right into them and were now jumping on his back.

_____________


Notes/References/Etc:

(Clearly a catch, amirite, is what I would say if the alternative wasn't Wakka)

- A few of the lines were taken from suggestions when people were voting or commenting on these characters generally. XD
- All the questions during round 1 are taken from or derived from real questions in dating shows I found via google. (i.e. "Which machina would you be" -> "Which vehicle would you be?" I'm afraid if someone asked me that I'd be so "lol what" that I'd troll and say a segway.
- ... but one of the questions that always came up on them was "What is your greatest achievement in life?" and I can now say "I'm likely the only person on the planet who has written Lulu/Isaaru fic.
- Blame any errors or OOCness on Tidus.
- Gdi Rin
- There were no monkeys in Zanarkand in X... Actually, they're in Djose, which is where you first meet Isaaru. They really seem to just follow him around.
- I shouldn't have to say this, but I wouldn't ever tell anyone to "man up" and do not condone it, but Cid? This is the guy who told YRP they should quit their jobs and go off and get married...
- Yes, Wantz was really in KH2. I played that game and didn't even realize this. Wantz. Who only shows up if you give money to O'aka early on and is way more minor than most of the other characters here.
- O'aka mentions quitting in FFX. I couldn't remember what he was doing in X-2... Wikia tells me they came up with some nonsense and he's just your personal item seller on the airship, but no one could've predicted that.
- Curiously, you can hear Isaaru say "Forgive me" when the screen goes black and you first wake up in the Via Purifico, but that just makes me wonder... how? Does it have speakers?
- I have no idea what the proper titles for guardians are. Auron is Sir Auron, but he's a special case since he's known as Braska's guardian. For the ones who haven't defeated Sin, they're rarely addressed by other characters who don't know them well. Still, Shelinda is obsessive about titles so I decided to be on the safe side and have her say "Lady Lulu"... they do call the summoners Lady / Lord even if they haven't beaten sin yet, so long as they haven't outright failed or given up, so I don't know. ... but then even that could just be Yuna come to think of it, since no one ever says "Lady Dona" or "Lord Isaaru"... but then Seymour is "Lord Seymour," but he's also a maester which may cause that. Argh Shelinda and your title obsessiveness is making me obsessive about titles!
-Writing this made me like Dona more, as I realize just how easily she could've been a snarky troll.

And thank you to Toffee again for the images! I still keep on cracking up laughing at them XD