I don't know why this series inspires me to write so much. Honestly, I have a good guess: It's due to a highly specific combination of how there's a vast world in it which is often unexplored in exchange for characters picking invisible lint in the Night Court. And the morality, as indicated last time, is often flipped from what it should be.

While writing the more serious fic, I started writing sitcom asides, and it kind of... blew up until it was its own 10 arc thing. It started with "what if, when Feyre finds out about Lucien trying to break the bond, they've already opened to the multiverse and it just becomes completely unhinged?"

(The multiverse thing is because the author - Maas - has been doing that with all of her series and, although I haven't read it since I took one look at it and said 'absolutely not,' I know Crescent City is modern world and somehow Nesta and Azriel have already ended up there.)

Notes:
- "Alphahole" is apparently a real term in romantasy circles. It's used in Crescent City. I don't know.
- The pink sofa is real in canon and I, for the life me, do not comprehend why I seem to be the only person in the universe who picked up on it as the single best piece of furniture in the whole series. Especially since, in canon, Jurian is sitting on it snarking at royalty.
- "Make him a sandwich" might sound crude but this is the actual lore for the "mates":

"When the mating bond snaps into place between a male and female, the female must offer the male food so they can be mated. Once a female has done this, she has accepted the mating bond. This can be done in a public mating ceremony or privately where only the couple is present and the female offers the male food, like Rhysand and Feyre Archeron did."

- Thesan is the only character in the series in a committed same-sex relationship. His partner does not have a name and has zero lines.
- The other High Lords in general are just kind of... dismissed, aside from Beron (pure evil) or Tamlin (treated as a villain/controlling ex/now depressed and living in a ruin). They are, however, sovereign leaders, so realistically speaking...
-

“To the people who look at the stars and wish, Rhys."
Rhys clinked his glass against mine. “To the stars who listen— and the dreams that are answered.”

This is the most famous line in the whole series. I may have... twisted that a bit at one point. Or two.

This madness somehow ended up having a plot? I probably shouldn't post it anywhere serious, especially since it's written in sitcom script and set the whole series on fire, but this is basically: "The next book if it had any guts. And was an insane sitcom."

Why are parts of it actually serious? Good question. Why does it almost always circle back to some romance or sex plot? Because that is exactly what the books always do.

I don't even have anything in particular against Cassian, but the more the books glaze someone, the more they're getting punted down the ladder. Conversely, the sidelined/dismissed/condemned by the narrative are... well...

With some of the important plot points that will almost certainly be addressed in the actual canon next book are: Elain breaking the bond to be with Azriel over Lucien, Rhysand's "high king" arc, and the multiverse which is almost certain to happen.

Nothing Elain says is actually random.

With that in mind, the madness I somehow wrote over this week. Largely sponsored by the amount of times I've had to hear "assume positive intent" at work over the past month:


Random snippets if this were an absurd sitcom later:

Episode 1: A Court of Red Flags and Girlbossing

*on a dramatic balcony in Velaris, of course. There’s a lot of otherwise empty tables with wine glasses. It smells of citrus and stardust, the latter of which I can only assume is akin to a spilled biohazard chemical smell*


Feyre: *firmly* Lucien, you’re ignoring the sacred bond. This is betrayal. Did you even think about how this would affect Elain? It's gatekeeping! Tiktok will be upset! It ruins the aesthetic!
Elain: … sister… I am relieved. I like the cold of Graysen and the shadow of Azriel. Both of them are dramatic. Lucien is… fire and sun. His worst act is a lack of acting. It is dull when you see the sap filling the void.
Feyre: You're only confused from the trauma of the cauldron, Elain!
Jurian: *casually, suspiciously checking the wine* Why are you talking about a clock? *shaking his head* Nevermind, you should listen to your sister, lest you continue to miss the glaringly obvious opportunities right in front of you. *grimacing, as if remembering something particularly annoying*
Lucien: *sighing* A consistent problem ever since she joined the Night Court. At least the Attor was honest about wanting to destroy you.
Feyre: Said from someone gaslighting *his* mate! …and for Jurian?! Over my sweet sister?! He's the definition of a bad boyfriend, that's his whole thing! He’s giving red flag war criminal.
Lucien: Feyre, why are you talking like that? What does that even mean?
Elain: *staring through everyone* …. She's been like this ever since…. I opened a portal to another place. A realm called… Crescent City. The multiverse demands language convergence.
Jurian: And Mor had the gall to call me mad. *turns to Lucien, smirking as if he knows the last word will infuriate them* Let's go home, love.
Lucien: Yes, this was clearly a waste of time.
Feyre: Jurian's manipulating you! It's pure gaslighting! That's his whole thing, remember Clythia?! I'm turning Elain into a girlboss, and she will outshine you!
Elain: … please don't…. include me in this. …. The zebra of the seventh realm is drunk.
Jurian: I need a drink. A strong one.
Lucien: And they wonder why I prefer living with humans, even with what Cassian reported as a “ridiculous pink sofa,” to being shoved in a charity attic.
Elain: … but sister… the human one has not committed a war crime in 500 years. If he did, I would like him myself. Azriel is… committing war crimes at this very moment. I can hear the fingernails.
Feyre: Ugh, stop painting our Spymaster as an alphahole, I'm going to go paint actual alpha holes!

Meanwhile:

Gwyn: Look, I made friendship bracelets for us! Feyre says it’s a new-world sign of being in the BFF sisterhood era!
Emerie: That’s fantastic Gwyn, but do you ever think about the implications of becoming a paramilitary force for the same establishment that endorsed mutilating me?
Nesta: *looks into the camera like she is actually in a sitcom*

Episode 2: “We have a choice, and we’re choosing “No.””

Helion: I’ll cut to the chase: I have called this meeting to discuss how my intelligence networks have it on good authority that Rhysand is planning to declare himself High King. I invited neither Rhysand nor Beron for reasons that should be obvious, but I thought it prudent that we plan our response before his official announcement.
Tarquin: *Makes a ‘tch’ sound while rolling his eyes* Of course he is. Of course he is. And he’s going to pretend like we’re his friends, mind-read us, and then say he is the only one who knows how to truly lead!
Helion: Hm. Not too far off with that last part. I can say with almost certainty that part of his reasoning is due to how none of us have a “high lady,” and as thus, are failing a “progressive modernity” test.
Viviane: Hah! I have no need for titles. Is it not obvious to them I manage the vast majority of politics in the Winter Court?
Kallias: And I have no problem with that, dear. It frees me up to focus on my true passion of carving wooden woodland creatures.
Tarquin: You do have a real talent there, Kallias.
Thesan: If that is the metric we are to be judged by… what am I supposed to call Joe then, High Lord number 2? Are weThe High Lords?
Viviane: Wait, your partner’s name is Joe? What kind of name is that?
Thesan: *shrugs* Peregryns have unconventional naming conventions. He couldn’t be here today as he is currently in his molting stage.
Helion: Back to the topic at hand. I, as Lord of the Day, cannot kneel to Rhysand, as I must fulfill my duties as Dionyo– I mean– Apoll– cauldron boil it. Did someone open up a multiverse portal again?
Tarquin: … wait. *looking around* Did we forget to invite Tamlin?

* awkward silence*

Thesan: *coughing* Putting that aside… if Rhysand wants to play at High King, we cut off their supplies. As my court currently holds the only means of producing faebane antidote, and have isolated how faebane itself is created: We shall cease any future antidote shipments to the Night Court. If Rhysand turns conqueror, deploying faebane at his forces will ensure the war is over in a day.
Kallias: A grounded measure, but.. Hm. They may perceive it as justification for their conquest, labeling it a tactic no different than Hybern.
Thesan: *nods towards him* Which is why we start with the embargo; if the Night Court persists in this endeavor, then their conquest is what shall mirror Hybern first. We already gave up two pieces of ourselves, one unknowingly, to their court. To ask for more is to ask too much.
Viviane: *smiling, creating an ice magic crystal with her hands* See, this is the benefit of not being bound to magical titles. No one has ever asked me for a piece of my soul… well, except for Kallias, but that was a completely different kind of soul taking.
Traquin: Aha… *trying to ignore that aside* Their behavior is confusing though, is it not? They aid with one hand while stealing with the other.
Helion: *waving a hand* It’s extraction, puppetry, and debt. Won’t be the first time and won’t be the last. United like this, it should be impossible for Rhysand to become “High King.”

*rubbing his temples, the possible connection of events dawning upon him* … unless he’s the one who opened up a portal this time. And pulled some magic unknown to us from it by sheer luck.

*a collective mix of sighs and groans as they all know that is exactly what would happen*


Episode 3: One-Team Team-Building

Rhysand: *purring* We must optimize our synergy to ensure maximum one court spirit!
Cassian: Well said, my lord!
Azriel: *huddling up against the shadows in the corner* … we have… received… the replies to your… High King request. They’re…–
Amren: *sharply* They all rejected it. Tarquin sent double the blood rubies this time and Thesan is stopping all medical shipments. Kallis said no, but also sent us this quite exquisite carving of a bat. *holds up said wood carving*
Rhysand: What? Azriel, you said they would kneel. Explain yourself, we were going to be one team! To circle back to the synergy of the High King!
Azriel: …. I am merely a shadow, shadow the hedge–bat.
Cassian: Well said, blood brother!
Amren: Nevermind anything they say. We have the magical swords and crowns, we are right by the rules of the very universe. And now the multiverses.
Rhysand: Do they not assume positive intent? No one would willingly take this burden upon themselves. I only have the best of positive intent!
Cassian: You sure do, my lord!
Amren: Cassian, did you hit your head in the House of Wind? Have an accident involving a cape?
Cassian: Yes– I mean– no, Amren. I am fully on board with our new “Team Player initiative," but I have been a bit distracted by optimizing new information from the portal. In order to maximise our fighting capacity, I have been laser-focused on protein bars, gains, and–
Amren: Enough. I regret asking.
Rhysand: *purring* Back to the topic at hand… That the other powers would reject my offer of a merger so quickly… What a load of negative mice complaining about some slightly moved cheese. I will make them see my positive intent for what it is worth!

Two rooms down the hall:

Nesta: Emerie, I was thinking about what you said the other day. For the last year, I have felt as if something is off. It is almost as if someone messed with my head. Do you think they’ve been screwing with us?
Emerie: Yes, at first I felt empowered, but then I started… remembering, connecting events. Now I’m wondering… have we been told the truth?
Gwyn: That sounds a bit… treasonous… and after you accepted the friendship bracelets!
Nesta: Yes, and I still do accept them! We stand together, and we discover the truth together.
Emerie: *nodding* Yes, let us request a… “mission” to the Day Court. Claim we need knowledge of ancient military strategy in their libraries. Start seeing the rest of the world, to see with our own eyes if Velaris is the only haven on this earth.
Gwyn: So long as it’s still a girls night out, I guess… ohhh, I can connect this to “Guilty as Sin?” Now it’s a party!
Nesta: *stares into the camera like she’s in the office. Again.
Nesta: *recovering* Rhysand might not give us permission for that, depending on what knowledge is there. I suggest we bypass them, send the Day Court an advance notice, and winnow there ourselves.
Gwyn: That… definitely sounds like borderline treason.
Nesta: As Rhysand and Feyre always insist, Secrets are the Night Court's way. Consider it– what was that song you and Feyre were talking about? “Look What You Made Me Do?”


Episode 4: A reminder that this is a series about romance and trauma

Location: the Dawn Court

Lucien: The offer to glamour you into appearing fae still stands.
Jurian: It’s fine, I am likely more used to high fae staring at me with horror or confusion than anyone else on the planet.
Lucien: Right, sorry, that was more from my own fears.
Jurian: Still, this place… I’ve seen it before, of course, but it feels different standing here with my own physical body. Thesan, like Tarquin, became High Lord partially out of merit instead of line of succession alone. His predecessor was different in temperament, he started the “neutrality” philosophy not out of ideology, but because of their unfavorable position between hostile territories.
Lucien: *smiling slightly* It has the benefit of serving as the only place on the continent where the High Lords can gather without trying to kill each other. Mostly.
Jurian: *tenses slightly* But–I’ve never seen roads covered in feathers like this.
Lucien: Molting season. Since their military forces are bird-fae, their spies are birds, and regular birds also exist on top of that, they easily end up with more feathers than they can clear.
Jurian: Right, they use them to– *his eyes less focused, glazed yet slightly wild* Bah. They’re only birds, but I was always there, unable to look away, on her hands as she plucked the–
Lucien: *interlocking his arm with his tightly* *firmly yet softly* Careful, focus on this for now.
Jurian: I– ugh.
*silence as they walk further*
Jurian: *looking anywhere other than at him* People will think I belong in a romance novel instead of a tactical military manual if you keep holding my arm like that.
Lucien: Ever since we left the Night Court and their… “language convergence"... I keep on having a stray thought that I should be something called a “steampunk universe,” yet I do not even know what that means. *shaking his head* … but, you said you wanted to come along in order to see if you could learn how to do some light maintenance on my eye yourself, as it is “not fully magic.” You’re not escaping those allegations.
Jurian: hrmph *still looking away, but noticeably less tense
Lucien: *clearing his throat* Afterwards, you should see some of the shops they have dedicated to “romance.” The moment anyone invents anything, they will inevitably ask “but how could we use this for sex?”
Jurian: Hah. On that, humans and fae are no different.
*silent for a second*
I have been thinking, the next time someone from Rhysand’s circle tries to lecture us on romance, the bond, I should say that I was only a single eye. You are missing an eye. Together, we are thematic completion. Admittedly, I am getting a bit more out of that one, but–
Lucien: *halts, “eye whirrling”* That sounded too practiced to be a joke, Juri. *smirking* If I retell it, I will summarize it as “you are going around telling people that I complete you.”
Jurian: Tch, go ahead. As if I have a reputation to even ruin!

*slightly later, near Nuan’s house, the destination for the aforementioned maintenance*

Lucien: Do you remember in the Spring Court, when you attempted to provo–
Jurian: *quickly* I’ve explained that. You know my position there, and there is no faster way to destabilise fae than to–.
Lucien: *putting a hand up, shaking his head* I know, I wasn’t even truly mad at the time. Whatever thread it puts in our minds attempts to override us, and I had not yet learned how to manage it. I mention it now because you had asked, while admittedly sneering, if Nuan was “my mate’s rival.” It is almost funny now, as there was never any “rival” to a relationship that did not exist, but the true threat to the bond was you all along.
Jurian: *running a hand through his hair, looking at the ground before making his voice a whisper* Pure blasphemy, and there’s nothing I like better. You should have kept that line for later, you are making me want to behave as if I am a high fae taken by your “frenzy.” I am meant to be focusing on learning whatever tinkering is possible.
Lucien: Sorry, just think of that letter Rhysand and Feyre sent us about how we are “terminated for not embracing one team culture.”
Jurian: *hard stare* … that will do it. The worst was Feyre referring to us as her “besties.” And all the fox references. …. Considering how some other fae manifest animal traits, I will say I am grateful that you do not make actual fox noises.



Switch scene to: Velaris

Feyre: Jurian’s brain is a total trauma dumping ground, so I didn’t look long, but… I can’t believe it. I was sure he was gaslighting him! But no, it was warmth! He actually… cares for Tamlin’s disgraced emissary? How is that possible?! That dust page was a bad boyfriend 500 years ago! And I thought they were straight! They have ex-girlfriends!
Elain: … you keep on saying that, why? Neither of them even own a dungeon. It is… not fun.
Feyre: Elain, you need to reclaim your agency! Don’t you feel betrayed?
Elain: No? The magic soup pot does not speak its soul through me. The spin of the snow drift will tumble into the ravine.
Feyre: Sure, Elain… But having a mate is like the universe aligning and then you never have to worry about being ghosted or your tinder date turning into a lion ever again. *straining* I guess it is for the best. When I was in that war criminal’s head, I learned Lucien’s fireblood makes him literally hot. I wouldn’t want my fragile, beloved sister subject to that.
Elain: … *internally imagining sharpening daggers* …will anyone miss it if the 2nd palace is set ablaze?
Feyre: *straining further* I once looked into that fox’s mind to protect you because the vibes were off. The bond makes males uncontrollable, consumed with love for their mate. I thought he was going to kidnap you, but… no, he wanted to throw up on our expensive rug. Now, I thought males go mad if rejected by their mate, but he’s somehow going down on a human on a pink couch…? Nothing is making sense.
Elain: *staring in Feyre’s direction, but through her, as if daring her to look into *her* mind*
Feyre: *shakes her head, giving up* I’m going to complain to my shadowdaddy-baby through the bond. We need to synergize our competency.
*Feyre starts seemingly staring at the wall, having a conversation with someone no one else can perceive as there*
Elain: You hear one thread, but I hear the many … you are missing that the truth is now in the shadow of the pit.

Episode 5: The “very special episode”

Location: The Autumn Court

Beron: Eris. I’m giving you one minute to explain why you’ve been running around shirtless in extremely tight leather pants.
Eris: *sneering* It’s strategic, father! During my missions to the Night Court, I have learned that nothing makes others give you the benefit of the doubt like a pair of tight leather pants.
Beron: Hrmph. You look like you’ve gift-wrapped yourself for one of Helion’s parties.
Eris: *sneering* Want proof it works? They now have it in their heads that I *laughing* - get this - *saved* Mor by leaving her to die! *looks away, smirking to himself as if once again putting a false idea in someone’s head*
Beron: Hah! If true, now that IS effective!
Eris: *sneering* Oddly, I didn’t see Mor while I was there, but… she was probably ignoring me after that. *drops the sneer, lip curling downward as if contemplating something deeper before adjusting*

Feyre, however, gave us advice she referred to as “modernized,” which was that we should “lean into our vibe and adopt a pumpkin spice aesthetic."
Beron: What at the bottom of the cauldron does Amarantha’s whore’s consort mean by that?
Eris: *sneering* I can’t be certain. Based on her other uses of the term “spice,” I believe it is something highly sexual. I have yet to determine how pumpkins are involved. I had hoped you would know in case it was some ancient Autumn magic, but evidently not.
Beron: Hrmph. Sounds like they’re only trying to confuse us.
Eris: *sneering* Quite, but father, since you mentioned Helion… I have confirmed it is true that my bastard not-brother is living with humans. Humans! Is it possible for one high fae to fall further?
Beron: He deserves nothing less. Next you’ll be telling me he’s being fucked by humans too, as if that lesser creature wasn’t already enough.
Eris: *sneering* actuaallly, I could smell one of them on him. Jurian, the one who was Amarantha’s eyeball pet? He didn’t just go for a human, he went for a long fallen enemy.
Beron: And a male! Hah, that’s the Helion influence. That he’s bending over for a human like that… I want to celebrate by throwing the female down a spiral staircase. Where is she anyway?
Eris: *sneering, but shrugs* Internally: (Vassa has enough magical curse power to level armies and Jurian is an ancient tactician and general who has slain among the most powerful of fae, but… It would be unwise to mention that.)

*cut to thousands of kilom– miles? matchsticks?— what unit of measurement do they use in this universe? away*

(After the Exile crew rescues her, amidst intelligence from the Day Court and a distraction by Eris’ leather pants, a necessity before they can actually make Lucien’s true heritage public)

Vassa: *gazing at the night sky* It is not much if you are used to a palace, but… there is something refreshing in the openness of it, the briskness of the air without any of the unpleasant scents from steel or horses.
Lady of Autumn: *looking away, but nodding slightly*
Vassa: (Whatever happened here… I think I would prefer to be enslaved to a death-lord and bound to a lake over it.)
Some people wish upon the stars, but the stars… they do not listen. They are distant balls of fire. *glances over to her, a slight smile* Not unlike us.
If they did… the world would not be so cruel. We would not be here… but, I like to think that, so long as we hold our lives in our own hands, we can make those wishes real. Make the world… a little less cruel with each step we take, no matter how much it may ache.



Episode 6: … is the mating bond just eugenics? This isn’t a title. I have serious questions. And why is the actual bond ceremony exactly this?

Rhysand: *purring* Elain, we need to talk about how you are not being a team player right now.
Elain: … but I did not ask to be on your team. I can see into the void of magic beans.
Rhysand: Yes, yes, I hear you and your concerns are valid, but you need to assume the cauldron has positive intent. You need to trust the vision.
Cassian: *drinking from a plastic cup that reads “PROTEIN POWDER SHAKE WITH EXTRA PROTEIN. PROTEINMAXING* Well said, my Lord!
Elain: But I am the vision.
Azriel: …. The… sunlight fox is not going to cause trouble… we can embrace our shadows without trouble.
Elain: See? The fox has chosen the wolf. The shadow and the void speak the same esper of clarity.
Rhysand: *head in hands* No, no, no. You don’t see the full vision of our 10 step plan. The soup– I mean, Cauldron– see, now you’re making me almost commit blasphemy! The plan, the vision, it is biological maxing. Lucien is heir to the day court, Elain can open up multiverse portal. We need you to complete the ceremony. The female needs to make the male a sandwich so we can complete the Day Court merger once Helion finally kicks the bucket.
Cassian: There is truly no wiser High Lord in history!
Azriel: *hissing, treating to the shadows at the mere mention of the word ‘day’*
Elain: … I am not interested. We are immortal. That would be a very… boring lifetime. Azriel… can I watch you do that thing with the pliers?
Azriel: Yesss, two new tax evaders were delivered to the dungeon this morning!
*they go to leave*
Rhysand: *purring* Hey, come back here! This meeting of moving the needle of the paradigm shift hasn’t ended yet!
Cassian: Great meeting, my lord! *taking a giant slurp of his protein shake* Wait, where did my mate go? She said something about a library… and then I stopped paying attention.

Meanwhile, at the Day Court:
Nesta: This is amazing! There’s so many books, and such variety! Back home, all we have is Night Court History I - XXX and various bodice ripper romances! And the males in those always suspicious look like Rhysand.
Emerie: And I haven’t seen a single person who was mutilated by their own state instead of Amarantha.
Gwyn: It’s beautiful, but… *reading a flyer she found on a table* What is a “polysexual pansexual blind orgy?”
Emerie: Gwyn, maybe… put that back for now. I’ll explain when– wait, we’re already ancient. How long did you spend trapped in that library?
Gwyn: I don’t know. It had a lot of porn, but these terms are new to me. It doesn’t sound very Swift High School Romance.

Episode 7: A semi-special episode: Depression Edition

*after Tarquin and Viviane winnow to the Spring Court*

Tamlin: What is it, Tarquin? I just want to be left alone to fiddle in peace.
Tarquin: Right… I’m sorry for disturbing you, but you are aware of Rhysand’s plans, yes?
Tamlin: *sighing* What is he doing now, coming back to finish the job?
Tarquin: *wincing, noticing a mountain of unopened correspondences* I… in a word, yes.
Viviane: – but, it is not just your court at stake. He wants all of us to kneel or be conquered. We are unanimous in opposition, and would like for you to join our alliance.
Tamlin: *grunting* And how am I supposed to aid in that? I have nothing left. My fields were scorched, my people starving, and my sentries got turned into mind-paste. I don’t even have the energy to declare revenge.
Viviane: I understand, but we need your land to be secure for our defenses. Having the Spring Court in disarray spills over into our own courts.
Tamlin: *half-growls while rolling his eyes.
Viviane: *firmly* Look, join us, and in exchange for what fighting force you have left, we can offer help with the food situation. Not my court, of course, but the Dawn and Day courts have been working on growing food in magically controlled environments to decrease our dependence on the Autumn Court. We, at the minimum, *need* the Spring Court to stabilise to prevent spillover.
Tarquin: *nodding* And I can open up some of our waters for fishing in exchange. … but, frankly, I also think it might be good for you to… do something that might feel like it matters?
Tamlin: I’m already written as the villain to history, but… I– my people– do need what you are offering. I will consider it and give my reply in two days.
Viviane: Thank you. Despite everything, know that we do not forget what happened Under the Mountain, and Kallias told me to give this to you. *sets down a wooden rabbit surrounded by spring flowers upon his unkept table*

Meanwhile, in the human lands:

Vassa: Lucien, I think you should just throw away that jacket that Tamlin threw at you. I could burn it for you or you could burn it yourself, you know.
Lucien: It’s the only thing I have left from my time at the Spring Court. I would have died if not for him, and I, for so long had hoped that it would be the home I–
Jurian: Exactly why Vassa is right. Or, at least, shove it in that one closet full of moths. I understand the brotherhood you can get on the battlefield, but did Tamlin ever treat you as an equal?
Lucien: He did, particularly before Amarnatha, but… *sighs* I’m not going to throw it away, but… Mourning the past won’t help in the present, and I’ve never felt more at home that I do here, right now.
Jurian: *voice oddly soft despite his words* Is there something in the court air that causes fae to become so melodramatic?
Vassa: Right. *drly* You’re not fooling anyone.
*holding up a hand before he can protest* I still vote for burning it, but if we are not, I motion that we play a round of cards.
Jurian: *crossing his arms* I am sure that you have some conditions for this?
Vassa: Of course. If I win, no using that Dawn Court device you boys brought back for a fortnight. I do not care what you do, but through the walls it ends up sounding like a garbled swan.

Episode 8: The Nail of Dusk Fish (title provided by Elain)

*The valkyries have now decided on a larger tour of the world*

Setting: The Winter Court

Gwyn: This amount of snow is… hard to walk in, but all these reindeer and white foxes are cute! I remember reading before that even female reindeer have antlers, it’s neat seeing it for real!
Nesta: Never thought I would be grateful for being forced to march up a mountain until I collapsed, and then– wait… I was grateful for that. Why? That’s such bullshit now that I think of it! Does Cassian’s gigantic cock also have some kind of magical power?
Emerie: *attempting to ignore that last comment* It is exactly as I thought. The world is a beautiful, complex place. There are plenty of fae who have less, but many are herders, trappers, or crafters. No one else appears to have a nightmare dungeon they keep their undesirables in. Or war camps like I had to live in.
Nesta: I think Hybern might’ve had that last one, but… now I’m wondering, why have we never met a single decent person from Hybern? Is there something we are missing there too?

*as they approach the winter palace entrance*


Kallias: Ah, the guests from the night court! Welcome, welcome. Viviane is away on official business right now, but we’ve prepared warm tea or cocoa, depending on which you’d prefer– I take it this is going to be about Rhysand’s request that we… submit to his High King proposal?
Nesta: *shaking her head* No, I know there is no reason for a sovereign court to ever give up their power that willingly. I want to know… what does Rhysand look like, to you? Tell me straight, what does the Night Court look like?
Kallias: *somewhat nervous* That is… hm. We are… grateful for what Rhysand has done, especially if his claims about attempting to keep our kids safe from Amarantha is true, but… that is an act we have already repaid when we revived him. Your Court has been… stagnant for the 500 years he has been in power.
Emerie: Exactly! That’s what I’ve been saying!
Kallias: *headtilting* Hm– yes, and those years under the mountain, he kept Velaris safe, yes, but… the rest of us suffered. We fought back directly, as our people wanted to. I will not judge him for protecting his own, but… to insist that he has the only moral authority or is the only one who has known pain is an insult to how we’ve all seen the harshness of this world.
Nesta and Emerie: *nodding to each other*
Emerie: We are assuming there must be an opposition towards… these plans of his, and if so, we would like to join. To defect.
Nesta: It is as she says.
Kallias: I– you’re serious? That’s wonderful news. Viviane has more direct connection to the alliance than I do, but she should be winnowing back shortly.
Emerie: Good! *smiling towards the other two* Shall we have that tea before it gets cold in the meantime?
Gwyn: *glancing around* This place is beautiful, an ice palace of wonder, and… so, so many wood carvings. Who is making all of these?
Kallias: That would be me! It’s my true passion. Would you like one as a symbol of our alliance? What is your favorite animal?
Gwyn: I take back what I said before, I am now 100% team treason.

*cut to: a dungeon in Velaris, a vast array of… instruments and scrolls regarding “magic of the void” scattered throughout*

Elain: The white has given away to pure silver, the ice shattered in the sky.
Azriel: … then it is… only a matter of time before the shadowfall.
Elain: *gazing beyond them, but an ever-so-slight nod*
Azriel: *hissing* … my lady… would you like to see what else my shadows can… interrogate?
Elain: *tiltshead* … only if I am the one can trap the darkness upon the iron.
Azriel: *shadows skittering with pleased anticipation*

Episode 9: The Roundtable of Performance Reviews: Somewhat Mythologically Accurate Edition

Rhysand: *purring* It is time for monthly performance evaluations! *looking around* … why is it only you two? Darling, where is everyone?
Feyre: Elain and Azriel haven’t left that dungeon for several days now. It’s very rude, they’re ghosting us to loremax.
Cassian: *shrugging* And I haven’t seen my mate in weeks.
Rhysand: And you didn’t think that was weird?
Cassian: No, my lord. She often does her own thing, and I’ve been distracted by these multiverse gym podcasts. If I get horny, I jerk it into my empty protein shakes.
Feyre: Cassian, TMI! You need to provide a content warning before saying that!
Cassian: Sorry, my Lady. If it helps, it is almost Summer Solstice, so I was also looking up how to prepare hotdogs, and got into several arguments online about if a hotdog is a sandwich.
Rhysand: No, that does not synergize. I don’t expect Amren to answer me, as she does not see me as her direct overhead boss, but where is Mor? Emerie?
Feyre: Oh huh, now that you mention it, where is Mor? She’s been gone even longer than the others.
Cassian: Good questions, my lord. The fox-man has been gone a long time too. Said he didn’t even need our cover anymore since he has Helion’s due to being heir to the Day Court or something.
Rhysand: What? I fired him a while ago, but who told him that? We were supposed to keep that information secret for leverage, they’re insider knowledge! That’s an additional fireable offense!
Feyre: It was that exposition-dumper Jurian. He’s observed Helion for over 500 years, knows everything Amarantha knew, and has no proper filter. Total buzzkill trauma dumper for a war criminal.
Rhysand: And why did no one inform me of this?
Cassian: I though– *coughs* I know you are the wisest, most powerful high lord. It would not be my place to think you didn’t already know.
Feyre: Yeah… that was kind of a whole thing. They also rescued the Lady of Autumn at some point, so are probably going to make everything public soon. I didn’t tell you because I thought secrets were sacred to us? Keeping secrets is our family motto!
Rhysand: When did that happen? Nevermind. Is there anything else cauldron-shattering I should know about?
Cassian: *thinking intensely* Hm… oh, yeah! Azriel said something about… who was it… Beron dying?
Rhysand: What?!
Cassian: Yeah, that half-prick half… I kinda respect him for the brocode guy, Eris, killed him. Something about he’ll be forgiven for patricide because of his leathers. I don’t know, I was watching gainmaxing videos.
Rhysand: *exasperated* If this is what it has come to… prepare the multiverse portals. We are going to need to arm the Illyrians with all the laser guns we should get.
Cassian: Great idea, my Lord. Um, you should also know that the magic sword we found in some lake… river…? Some body of water has disappeared.
Rhysand: *purring* *rubbing his temples* Of course it has. I can only hope that Azriel is just borrowing it for torture synergy.

Meanwhile, in the Hewn City, and after a very much dead Keir:

Mor: *facing a city-wide army of angry fae while holding said missing sword* You want the truth? I will give you the truth. They keep us as livestock to ensure they can live in the lap of luxury. In Velaris, they want for nothing. Their main concern is which bottle of 500-year aged wine to open that day. They extract from us, force us to turn on ourselves merely to survive, and then have the audacity to turn around and blame us for what we must do for that survival.
Crowd: *cheering in riotous agreement
Mor: And if you do escape? Oh, you are not fully one of them. You never are. You become tossed around like a prop in someone else’s story, given to others and discarded. This all ends now. The moment Rhysand moves his troops to invade the other Courts, we are breaking out of here and reclaiming our freedom!

Mor: (Why do I keep on trying to call myself Mor-dred? Damn multiverse portals)



Episode 10, The Final “Battle”

Rhysand: *purring* Open the portal, release the laser guns!
Elain: *deadpan, but annoyed at how she had to leave the dungeon for this* … if you insist.

*touches something mid-air only she seems to see*

*out pops a zebra holding a laser gun in its mouth*

Cassian: *turning to Rhysand* Bro, hahaha, what is this?
*the zebra starts staggering and zig-zagging, the laser going off at random intervals*
Rhysand: … a single laser gun, and someone get it from that… apparently… drunken zebra.
Elain: … I tried to warn you. You did not listen. Can I leave now?
Rhysand: No! We need a large inventory to maximize our efficiency!
Elain: I merely can open the gate… I have no skill to control the flow of the cosmic soup.
Cassian: Never fear, my Lord! We still have the strongest army and the strongest high lord and high lady! There is nothing we can’t do! Besides, check out my gains over the past few weeks!
Elain: … you should… look behind you.
Feyre: It can’t be… fae from the Hewn City? And is that Mor leading them?! This is a complete betrayal of the girlboss era!
Cassian: *dodging a stray laser from the zebra* A pincer attack, I was not prepared for… and I feel my po– shit, is that faebane?!
Feyre: Are you for real right now? I never thought the Dawn Court would actually do that… I thought they were just posturing for likes! We don’t even have any alchemists, that’s not fair of them!
Rhysand: Before it fully takes hold, I will call upon the power of the stars and dreams! They always answer in our final hour of need!
Elain: … *tiltshead* … I have never understood what that means. *yawning* I am going to go take a nap in the bloody medical tent. The sound of the buzzsaws will help me sleep.

*Between Mor’s rebellion, the sheer size of the alliance against them,the Night Court’s reduced magic, and the Zebra, especially the Zebra, the battle turns out anti-climatic. It’s not even worth writing about, truly. The only footnote to truly note is that Eris appeared with his own elite forces, but did not participate in the battle directly. No, they merely showed up in high-fashion leather armor for what was described as “psychic damage against the aesthetic vibes of the universe”*

Rhysand: I said I would… synergize the realms… bring everyone together under one team…
Feyre: … and we did, my shadow daddy. Look at how they are united now! That was our goal! We won!
Rhysand: Of course, darling. Yet, Mor has claimed one out of our five palaces, Elain set the second one ablaze, and now the lesser Hewn City drones are running everywhere. Where are we to go?
Feyre: We still have that palace you bought me for the winter solstice. It's filled with paintings of us, so it’s a little creepy to stay in, but was built on war-decimated land, so a bit out of the way of… all these war triggers.
Rhysand: Please tell me this isn’t the palace where you put the new alpha hole paintings. And… only one palace?! What are we, interns?!


Epilogue, the Summer Court:

Viviane: I never thought I would experience Summer Solstice in the Summer Court, it is a fortune the battle ended as quickly as it did!
Tarquin: I only hope we can provide a pleasing enough atmosphere, we are still partially recovering from the last war. I extended an invitation to Tamlin, but he said he’d rather go home and fiddle after the battle… Kallias, he said to thank you for the wooden rabbit.
Kallias: Happy to hear it, and yes, this is an experience! The sun may have already begun its descent, but my skin feels like it’s on fire.
Tarquin: The unfortunate difference in our native alignments.
Helion: Hrmph, I know parties, and this is perfectly acceptable for the conditions. … and besides, it has been centuries since I have seen the courts display such trust within each other. Not to mention the human lands. Speaking of– Lucien?
Lucien: Yes? I’m sorry– shall I refer to you High Lord of the Day, father, or something else entirely?
Helion: Doesn’t matter, you can call me a prick in a toga if you desire to. What I want to discuss is how I clearly need to teach you how to manage your time better. Causing a controversy by picking a human, particularly one we tell stories about to scare children with, is a good start, but–
Jurian: I’m standing right here, you prick in a toga.
Helion: Ahem, yes– and I am approving of that, but Lucien, you had two people living with you and you only picked one? There is always room for one more!
Lucien: *slightly stunned* … well– I’m content as I am, and Vassa… she’s a bit… inexperienced in the world compared to us, is she not? And… look for yourself.

Vassa and Emerie: *deep in a friendly sword fight*

Emerie: Hah, you’re going to have to try better than that to conquer me!
Vassa: Oh, and I will enjoy it! Do you have no idea how much I need this release, after being stuck as a bird half the time?!

Jurian: *nodding while pouring himself a glass of whiskey* Suffice to say, she would not be interested. *turns to look directly at the high lords, smirking* I’ve been teaching her exactly how to destabilise, to defeat opponents much stronger than yourself.
Lucien: *shooting him a hard look that says ‘don’t start anything’’*

Joe the Peregryn: A very Ikuhuara-shojou level sapphic duel! How did we accidentally create a LGBT+ alliance?
Tarquin: … a what alliance?
Thesan: Sorry, he got hit with one of the lasers from the multi-verse portal zebra - I healed him quickly enough - but… he picked up some linguistic quirks I haven’t been able to determine the cause of.
Lucien: Ah, Thesan. Good timing, if you don’t mind… Could you look at someone for me?

*slightly away from the main group*

Lady of Autumn: *gazing at the ground, but holding a glass she has been slowly nursing*
Thesan: She’s not physically injured, and I sense no magic that would render her incapable of speech… I’m sorry, but it’s likely a condition of the brain rather than anything I can heal.
Lucien: I was afraid of that, but… thank you for confirming it.
*towards his mother*
I’m sorry I didn’t try sooner. I didn’t have the means to– maybe that’s not an excuse, the amount of times I have been told that I didn’t do enough, in many different ways… I don’t know if I’m a coward, if I could’ve done more, or–
Lady of Autumn: *grabs his sleeve, shaking her head and frowning*
Thesan: This is not my place, but… it is a hard path you have chosen to walk. We have a long history of neutrality that I inherited, and there have been many occasions where I wished I could’ve done something more, but knew that if I did, it would risk greater conflict and harm my people. Circumstances, the personal power to change those circumstances… The world is not often as simple as we wish it could be.


*cut to a campfire off-center*

Nesta: *drinking summer court champaign* You know, they were going to try to make me governor of the Dusk Court they found, after it got touched with one the multiverse portals. With things as they are now, I’m thinking we can go back there, but claim it for ourselves. Create our own power block.
Gwyn: We will likely be allowed back home since Mor is in charge now, but… for now, I just want to enjoy the present party.
Nesta: Yes, this is actually nice. Wide open space, sea water, no stuffy rooms where we’re performing holidays.
Gwyn: Yeah, it is. I don’t really get the… hanging around rock sculptures until midnight part of this, but no one is trying to get me to set off fireworks just to prove I belong. Why is the Night Court the only one that does fireworks and hotdogs for summer solstice anyway…?
Nesta: *shrugs* Beats me. This fresh fish is way better than whatever that suspicious meat was.
Gwyn: Do you not worry about your sisters? Your mate?
Nesta: Feyre made her own choices at our expense, she’ll be fine in one creepy ass palace. As for Elain… Hah. I never did understand how the others never realized that Elain was the most terrifying among us.
Gwyn: *smiling* Yes, Feyre always referred to her as a doe, but doe will eat snakes and birds alive. … but then, do you want to talk about Cassian?
Nesta: No. I still can smell the protein shakes.
Gwyn: Fair enough. *watching the Zebra walk by* I can’t believe Helion kept that creature though. How did he domesticate it so quickly? Spell-cleaving? Was it under a curse?
Nesta: *looks in the camera one final time*

Viviane: *running up* Hey, what are you two doing? There’s no slinking back into the shadows now. Come, we’re going to set up a dance and take bets on who is going to be the first to drunkenly fall into a fountain.

*as if predicted by a seer, divined by the cauldron itself, the zebra drunkenly falls into the fountain*


Final note: NGL, I had too much fun writing that version of Elain and now her canon version is almost certain to disappoint me.